Still I Rise

**Sorry guys and gals. It took me a while to update and finish this entry. Been a little busy basking in happiness**

I believe in divine timing and that we really do receive what we ask for.  Although I've been able to move on from what Voltaire and Cynthia did to me, I was still harboring some anger because I never got to confront Cynthia and hold her accountable for her part in the demise of my relationship with Douchebag.  I was getting frustrated because I felt that it was really starting to affect my wonderful relationship with Paul.  I guess you could say Fate intervened, and presented me with an opportunity to make everything peaceful in my life.

This past Saturday, I decided to swing by Arkipelago to pick up an Ambeth Ocampo book.  On the way to the city, I thought about how much I wish I could just run into Cynthia so that I can get all my anger out. Talk about divine timing.  Cynthia was there volunteering with Mabuhay Health Center--a bunch of ignorant, arrogant, elitist, and problematic wanna be doctors and future health professionals who have offended many of our community organizations with their attitudes and approach; not to mention they're just using our community for self-promotion and self-gratification because they think they're saving our community.  She thought she could come into my community and be completely under the radar. Little did she know, that all my folks in the community were aware of who she was and what her role was in my break-up with Douchebag. Yes, they were completely aware she was the whore that chased after my ex-fiancee and helped him cheat on me.  It's pretty clear that she has no values or morals, a direct reflection of how she was raised.  She has no social competence whatsoever.

Anyhoo, she couldn't look at me the entire time. I was respectful and waited until all their patients were gone, and until their post clinic meeting was done.  She tried to walk right past me. I could've hit her, but I didn't. It took so much self-control not to do that, but I'm proud of myself.  Seriously though, this girl has a face, a voice, and a lisp that only HER parents could love.  She really sounds like she was breastfed on helium. The best part is that Tita Maggie and Tita Tina were also there to provide me with support.  They were also able to let the anger out.  They let her know that she hurt an entire community of people.  I don't really care if any of what we said to her affected her or even got through to her tiny brain.  Mission accomplished. We dealt with an issue that had hurt and angered so many people.  I had dealt with the douchebag Voltaire, so dealing with her was a way not only for me to finish healing, but for our community to start healing. 

Here's the thing. Voltaire and Cynthia are still together, and I could really care less because she got a coward, a liar, and a cheater.  Douchebag is your problem now, honey.  I got Paul and a wonderful, loving relationship.  It must suck to be Voltaire and Cynthia. You can only pretend to live your lives as if you didn't hurt so many people or do anything wrong, for so long.  The truth always comes out, especially when it comes to people like you. Do you celebrate your anniversaries on the first day that you cheated on me, or the day that I kicked Voltaire's sorry ass to the curb? It's a small world. There will always be someone around you to remind you of what you've done.

As for you, Cynthia, to say that you made a "mistake," that would actually mean that you know the difference between right and wrong. If you do believe in God (which I'm pretty sure you do because hypocrites like you and Douchebag go to church to make amends for your stupidity) you should know that he gave us all free will.  Free will allows us to make decisions that affect our lives, while taking into consideration how it will affect those of others. There are both good and bad consequences for those decisions. What you did was intentional, because you knew that helping Voltaire cheat on me was wrong, yet you did it anyways because you're selfish and insecure. Don't be too proud of your boyfriend, Cynthia.  He's a good liar, so don't be surprised if he cheats on you. He's so dysfunctional, that it's just a matter of time. You should know first hand how good of a liar he is because you witnessed it first hand.  You helped him. Good luck with that. You're only kidding yourself if you think he can't do better than you.  Have you seen what you look like? Or better yet, have you ever listened to yourself talk? Neither is pretty. It must suck to have a name you can't even pronounce. You and D-bag should do the world and the entire human race a favor and DO NOT EVER have children.  There are enough bad people on this earth.

With that being said, I hope you truly are ready for whatever KARMA comes your way.  FATE already dealt her cards.  KARMA is on her way, and she is pissed. Be careful what you ask for. Your consequences are on their way.

Everything is right in the universe once again. Toodles.

Random Ramblings

:::Today is Veteran's Day. Respect, love, and gratitude to our Beteranos. I still believe in FULL EQUITY for our manongs and manangs. The $15k that the government is trying to give them does not make-up for the injustices and indignity that they've suffered all these years. Nothing but FULL EQUITY for Filipino WWII Veterans!

:::I love this time of year! The leaves are turning red and orange, and I looooove the cold weather. Good thing I have a big, strong, and devastatingly handsome man to cuddle up with. If only we had a couch...hehe.

If not, we could always hit the mitts to keep warm. I'm so glad that I have a manly man. Someone who is a real fighter. Haha. I'm just saying, the fact that Paul is a fighter is so attractive to me. I can appreciate that quality about Paul, because my ex couldn't throw a punch even if his life depended on it. He was better at running away. Obviously. What a wuss. Hehe.

One of the many reasons I love Paul.

:::I'll be spending Christmas with Paul this year. We're driving down to SoCal with Notorious D.O.G. in tow. I like visiting SoCal with Paul, just because his family and friends have been nothing but wonderful towards me.

Such a huge difference from Voltaire's dysfunctional and miserable family. I REALLY dodged a bullet there, thanks to Cynthia "Chin" Antonio's whore-ish behavior and lack of morals. The only thing Voltaire's family ever gave me was a three inch gash across my cheek when his sister and mom physically assaulted me. Divine intervention works in mysterious ways, and I'm glad that however hurtful the turn of events were, that they happened the way they did. It made me stronger and made my skin a little bit thicker. More importantly, it got rid of all the negative and toxic people in my life.

:::My family used to get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, but ever since my Mama Osang passed away two years ago, it just hasn't been the same. The holidays always remind me of her. I miss going to my Auntie Susan's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I miss pulling up to the house, and being greeted by that familiar light in the kitchen. It was always the most noticeable feature of the house. It would greet you as you pulled up to the driveway on that cozy culdesac on Ceres Circle, as if to say, "It's been a while since you've been home. Welcome back."

As we walked through the front door, we were almost always greeted by my Mom or Tita Baby, and you could hear Auntie Susan bustling around in the kitchen. I'm one of those people who's really sensitive to smells (and I'm also vegetarian), so although I didn't quite enjoy the smell of turkey and how it stuck to my clothing, it was still one of the smells I associated with home.

I miss walking down the hallway to my Mama Osang's room, where she would have CNN blasting on her T.V. I miss making mano (a Filipino custom of showing respect to your elders by taking their right hand, and touching the top part of it to your forehead)and smelling the scent of Ivory soap on her hand. I really miss my lola.

My last Thanksgiving with my Mama Osang (she's the one wearing pink), pictured here with my Inay Toneng.

:::I am doing well so far, mid-semester. I just need to survive until finals. This is why I'm a Starbucks Gold Card Member.

Aye, Aye Captain! Full Speed Ahead!

That's pretty much how I feel my life is going right now. Seriously, where did the year go?

As another year comes to an end, I have to say that it's been nothing but good times for me this year. I've learned a lot about myself, mostly thanks to all the wonderful folks in my life, especially Paul. It's interesting to see myself from another person's perspective, especially Paul's. It's amazing what honesty can do for a relationship. If anything, I've learned how to deal with my strong personality because of HIS strong personality.

I'm thankful to have a job that I love and with three little girls who love me. I still can't believe how much Ava has grown! She is my little sidekick and Starbucks buddy. You should see this girl order at Starbucks. I've trained her well.

My relationship with Paul is progressing well. I love that I get to spend time with him almost every weekend, and that we truly enjoy each other's company. I like the foundation we're creating for our relationship. It's based on love, mutual respect, compromise, honesty, and integrity. Oh, we can't forget the most important components of our foundation: unbelievable athletic ability and we're gosh darn funnier than H-E-double hockey sticks. Seriously, no lack of self-esteem or confidence in this relationship.

We did Warrior Dash with my crazy delicious friends from boxing, as well as Art and his brother Allidrus last weekend. We decided that Paul is now in charge of our departure time for anything, and making sure I don't find ways to distract myself. I made sure to eat the breakfast of champions by having some cookies and a slice of pizza. What can I say? My imaginary hyperthyroid worm wants what it wants.

We went for a hike in Pacifica the day after Warrior Dash. As if a few bruises and sore muscles were going to stop us from enjoying a nice, warm sunny day in the Bay. Made me wish I had Notorious D.O.G. with us to enjoy the beach with the other doggies.

I'm looking forward to the upcoming year. I will be applying to an M.A. program for next Fall. I'm excited. It's been a long time coming, but as my Mom says, everything happens on its own time.

I need to get more serious about my training again though. I will have some 5ks and 10ks coming up, but I've been lagging on my running. I'm also going to start playing indoor soccer, so this should be an interesting transition from outdoor soccer.

So nothing but good things to come, and I wish the very same for all my family, friends, and animals. Hah.

Purgation of My Closet

So I finally did it. It's been a long time coming, but I've put off doing anything about it for a very long time. It just seemed like such a daunting task. If anything, I should've done it right after my "Debut at 32" last year. I think that because of the fact that Douchebag Howser M.D. left so many of his clothes behind (that I was gracious enough to return to him under the circumstances), I guess I was trying to avoid finding anymore of his crap. So after four loads of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, a trip to Starbucks and Safeway, and taking Notorious D.O.G. for a walk, I finally did it.

I can thank the less than pleasant weather for keeping me at home for most of today and in the mood to do some cleaning. I moved the wardrobe into the office and put another set of drawers in its place. I feel really selfish for always complaining that I never have anything to wear, considering that I have more than enough clothes to last me another decade.

I rediscovered my love for my pretty dresses. Yes, I realize that I dress like a tomboy most of the time in my hoodies and sweatpants, but oh do I love my dresses! I also found out that I have 45 pairs of soccer shorts. The good news is that I didn't find anymore of D-Bag's things, with the exception of some of his mismatched socks. I guess you could say his socks are symbolic of his hot ass mess of a life. That monster and all his crap are finally all out.

I will be getting a new bed this year. Moms got me new pillows. So many more changes to come. The purgation of his memory from any of my possessions is coming to a close. I feel even more liberated. Dont' get me wrong. I've moved on from that phase in my life and I have recovered well.

It has been a long process indeed. I am fortunate to have a REAL and a wonderful man like Paul. You can recover, and possibly even forgive, but I think that the feeling of betrayal will always stay with me. I'm just lucky enough that Paul is patient and understanding enough to help me heal those wounds, by giving me so much love.

I know, not much of an exciting post, really, but I just thought I would share. I will borrow this quote that my friend Silda posted on her Facebook today. I think it's a perfect way to summarize my experience today:

‎"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come." - Joseph Campbell

Lazy Sunday

Congratulations to Patricio and Melanie! May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness together and lots of little LUMPIA lovers! Your reception was so much fun, especially all the MJ songs and '90s hip hop. Of course, we can't forget John's awesome dance skills. The "Beat It" knife fight scene was my favorite.

Paul and I had a great day just hanging out in the city. We had a rough start with BART because I didn't remember how to use the ticket machine. It's been ten years since I last used BART, so you can't really fault me for that. Haha. It was just as much a learning experience for me as it was for Paul. We'd also like to thank the grumpy lady inside the booth for her condescending customer service.

We didn't really do much. We didn't really have any plans for the day. We were starving by the time we got to the Civic Center Station. The closest thing I could think of to eat was Chico's(my apologies to my homie Glen Andag for eating Chico's without you. We were starving!) We took our slices on over to Yerba Buena Gardens, and kicked it on the benches right above the waterfall.

It was a beautiful day in the city, and we sat for a bit after we ate, just people watching. A little bird even kicked it with us for a little while, and I felt bad that I didn't have any crumbs left to feed it. I felt even worse when I saw that it had a broken leg. It eventually got bored with us, and flew away. We watched an older Chinese woman do her Tai Chi. I hope that I'll be as dedicated to working out when I get to her age. It was nice just to be back in SoMa, not having anything to do, and just spending time with Paul. I feel like we've been rushing everywhere for the past few weeks, so we certainly welcomed the slower and lazier pace we had today. It was nice to enjoy each other's company for a change. No moving, no rushing to get somewhere.

We sat a few benches away from a Filipino family, a mom with her two young kids, a little boy and girl. The kids were cute. They were enjoying the sunshine with us and taking pictures. Hearing the kids speak in Tagalog was like music to my ears, and just reminded me of how much I miss being in SoMa. I saw that they were having a hard time taking a family picture, so I offered to take their picture for them. It made my day when the little girl, who was maybe around three, yelled "Salamat!" and gave me a big smile.

I'm looking forward to spending more lazy Sundays with Paul. It's not about what we do or how much money we spend (because honestly, we're both kinda broke right now). It's just nice to know that we don't have to rely on those kinds of things just to enjoy our time together.

I LOVE YOU PAUL POOMPAN.

Feeling: overwhelmed, busy, and under-appreciated.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends

Shel Silverstein is by far one of my favorite authors of all time. It's obvious by the amount of space he occupies on my book shelf dedicated to children's literature.

This poem has a particularly interesting interpretation of life. It talks about a life filled with optimism and hope, but in order to get to that point, one must overcome personal challenges and fears. It's almost as if chaos is necessary for change to occur and to help us realize that we do have a choice in which path to take in life, in order to reach a point of serenity and happiness within our lives, and more importantly, ourselves. That is the place where the sidewalk ends.

I want to take this opportunity to dedicate this poem to Paul. Babe, I know that it's been a difficult and challenging transition for you. You've certainly had your share of difficulties and frustrating circumstances these past few weeks. I'm excited to help you get settled in and for all the adventures we have in store for us.