Purgation of My Closet

So I finally did it. It's been a long time coming, but I've put off doing anything about it for a very long time. It just seemed like such a daunting task. If anything, I should've done it right after my "Debut at 32" last year. I think that because of the fact that Douchebag Howser M.D. left so many of his clothes behind (that I was gracious enough to return to him under the circumstances), I guess I was trying to avoid finding anymore of his crap. So after four loads of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, a trip to Starbucks and Safeway, and taking Notorious D.O.G. for a walk, I finally did it.

I can thank the less than pleasant weather for keeping me at home for most of today and in the mood to do some cleaning. I moved the wardrobe into the office and put another set of drawers in its place. I feel really selfish for always complaining that I never have anything to wear, considering that I have more than enough clothes to last me another decade.

I rediscovered my love for my pretty dresses. Yes, I realize that I dress like a tomboy most of the time in my hoodies and sweatpants, but oh do I love my dresses! I also found out that I have 45 pairs of soccer shorts. The good news is that I didn't find anymore of D-Bag's things, with the exception of some of his mismatched socks. I guess you could say his socks are symbolic of his hot ass mess of a life. That monster and all his crap are finally all out.

I will be getting a new bed this year. Moms got me new pillows. So many more changes to come. The purgation of his memory from any of my possessions is coming to a close. I feel even more liberated. Dont' get me wrong. I've moved on from that phase in my life and I have recovered well.

It has been a long process indeed. I am fortunate to have a REAL and a wonderful man like Paul. You can recover, and possibly even forgive, but I think that the feeling of betrayal will always stay with me. I'm just lucky enough that Paul is patient and understanding enough to help me heal those wounds, by giving me so much love.

I know, not much of an exciting post, really, but I just thought I would share. I will borrow this quote that my friend Silda posted on her Facebook today. I think it's a perfect way to summarize my experience today:

‎"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come." - Joseph Campbell

Lazy Sunday

Congratulations to Patricio and Melanie! May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness together and lots of little LUMPIA lovers! Your reception was so much fun, especially all the MJ songs and '90s hip hop. Of course, we can't forget John's awesome dance skills. The "Beat It" knife fight scene was my favorite.

Paul and I had a great day just hanging out in the city. We had a rough start with BART because I didn't remember how to use the ticket machine. It's been ten years since I last used BART, so you can't really fault me for that. Haha. It was just as much a learning experience for me as it was for Paul. We'd also like to thank the grumpy lady inside the booth for her condescending customer service.

We didn't really do much. We didn't really have any plans for the day. We were starving by the time we got to the Civic Center Station. The closest thing I could think of to eat was Chico's(my apologies to my homie Glen Andag for eating Chico's without you. We were starving!) We took our slices on over to Yerba Buena Gardens, and kicked it on the benches right above the waterfall.

It was a beautiful day in the city, and we sat for a bit after we ate, just people watching. A little bird even kicked it with us for a little while, and I felt bad that I didn't have any crumbs left to feed it. I felt even worse when I saw that it had a broken leg. It eventually got bored with us, and flew away. We watched an older Chinese woman do her Tai Chi. I hope that I'll be as dedicated to working out when I get to her age. It was nice just to be back in SoMa, not having anything to do, and just spending time with Paul. I feel like we've been rushing everywhere for the past few weeks, so we certainly welcomed the slower and lazier pace we had today. It was nice to enjoy each other's company for a change. No moving, no rushing to get somewhere.

We sat a few benches away from a Filipino family, a mom with her two young kids, a little boy and girl. The kids were cute. They were enjoying the sunshine with us and taking pictures. Hearing the kids speak in Tagalog was like music to my ears, and just reminded me of how much I miss being in SoMa. I saw that they were having a hard time taking a family picture, so I offered to take their picture for them. It made my day when the little girl, who was maybe around three, yelled "Salamat!" and gave me a big smile.

I'm looking forward to spending more lazy Sundays with Paul. It's not about what we do or how much money we spend (because honestly, we're both kinda broke right now). It's just nice to know that we don't have to rely on those kinds of things just to enjoy our time together.

I LOVE YOU PAUL POOMPAN.

Feeling: overwhelmed, busy, and under-appreciated.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends

Shel Silverstein is by far one of my favorite authors of all time. It's obvious by the amount of space he occupies on my book shelf dedicated to children's literature.

This poem has a particularly interesting interpretation of life. It talks about a life filled with optimism and hope, but in order to get to that point, one must overcome personal challenges and fears. It's almost as if chaos is necessary for change to occur and to help us realize that we do have a choice in which path to take in life, in order to reach a point of serenity and happiness within our lives, and more importantly, ourselves. That is the place where the sidewalk ends.

I want to take this opportunity to dedicate this poem to Paul. Babe, I know that it's been a difficult and challenging transition for you. You've certainly had your share of difficulties and frustrating circumstances these past few weeks. I'm excited to help you get settled in and for all the adventures we have in store for us.

The Bay is Getting an Extra Serving of Swagger

Hooray and congratulations to Paul for getting an Adaptive P.E. teaching gig in Pacifica! To say that I'm ecstatic is somewhat downplaying how I really feel (I feel like I have a bazillion jumping beans inside my tummy). It will be a busy few weeks helping him move and settled, but so worth it. I'm totally going through a nesting phase for him. Haha.

It is a huge sacrfice on his part, but I am greatly appreciative and humbled by the fact that he loves me so much he's leaving his sunny SoCal for me. He also made my birthday this year the best ever. He brought me back my favorite shortbread cookies from Hawaii, and he gave me a letter. Not just any letter, but probably the most wonderful letter I've ever received from a significant other. Actually, the only personal letter I've ever received from a significant other.

It was a love letter of sorts. What made this letter outstanding was the thought he invested in it. It was sincere and honest. Most importantly, it made me feel so loved. I don't think he knows just how much that letter means to me. I've kept it hidden safely away now, but I think I must've looked at it at least five times a day since he gave it to me.

I am eager to see what's in store for Paul and I. We are entering a new phase in our relationship and lives.

Oh, and congratulations San Francisco. You officially became the coolest place on earth thanks to Paul Poompan.

All Day I Dream About Soccer...

...at least that's what Adidas used to mean to me. I headed out to Davis today to get my number printed on my soccer jersey. Props to the guy at Davis Soccer and Lifestyle for getting the job done in about 15 minutes. Hopefully having the Deuce back on my jersey will bring back my mojo on the field. I'm just superstitious like that. Sorry, but my other jersey number just wasn't working out.

I was also eyeing a new pair of the Copa Mundial, the one and only soccer shoe that I have ever worn. I'm long overdue for a new pair, considering the ones that I'm currently using have been with me since I was 15. Yes, that's right. Adidas used to make extremely durable shoes. Don't trip. They're still comfy and look good, and are far from holey. However, I was informed by the guy at the shop that Adidas will soon be phasing out my beloved Copas, with some butt-ugly hot mess of a shoe. He was trying to sell the newer shoe to me by dissing the Copas, but I told him that the new shoe is really fugly.

The retail gods strike again. WHY??? Why must you mess with something so classic that have been around for 28 years? So much of my identity as a soccer player is tied to the Copa Mundial. I always say that you can tell a lot about a soccer player by the shoes and equipment that they wear. As a soccer player, I can pretty much determine your skill level, based on the boots that you wear on the field. You're pretty much whack if you don't wear Copas. You have to earn your stripes to wear this shoe. As much as I love Nike, I do blame them for introducing some loud and ugly soccer shoes, and forever changing the soccer shoe market. Geez Nike. Way to set the standard for ugly shoes. I'm still mad at you for discontinuing my favorite running shoes.

There's a certain comraderie between those of us who wear the Copas. It used to be that only the soccer players that have played or trained at a higher competitive level wore these shoes. Copas give us distinction. It embodies the concept of "game recognize game" when you see someone else wearing the Copas out on the field. You must have skill and swagger to wear the Copas.

Copas are timeless and classic, unique in that sense. Copas represent my love for the game. I think by now it's apparent and obvious that I am very particular about the equipment that I use. My next purchase will be a new pair of the Copa Mundial. I need to stock up before other people my size catch wind of the armageddon of soccer fails.

The Heart of the Matter

I suppose that when one is in love, we develop our own concept of time. It has been about two and a half weeks since I've last seen Paul, but it seems like it's been twice as long. What can I say? I miss him. I miss him A LOT.

We both agreed that we would only do the long distance aspect of our relationship for about a year, because we want our relationship to progress. The only way to do that is if one of us moves to be closer to the other.

It's exciting to think of the prospect of moving to a different place, but I also feel torn about it because of everyone and everything that I'll be leaving behind. I am, no doubt, willing to move for Paul because I love him. It's one of the risks I'm willing to take. Change is good, but it's scary at the same time.

I'm not going to lie, I was traumatized by what Voltaire did to me. I recovered from it, and I certainly got over him and what he did. What stemmed from that experience is that I was able to find myself again, with the love and support of so many people and positive experiences. For example, my community in SoMa welcomed me back with so much love and respect. There was no tsismis about me or what happened, just a lot of love. Another example, I don't think that my soccer team knows just how important they were in my recovery process. I made new friends, and I rediscovered just how much I loved playing soccer. It got me out of my funk. Ya dig?

I guess you can say that I'm scared to move, because I don't want to lose my support system, more importantly, lose myself. But when I think of my life without Paul, my heart breaks a little, and I get this gut wrenching feeling. Life is so much better with Paul Poompan in it. Heehee.

I'm anxiously awaiting where Paul will get a job. That will determine the next step in our relationship. I'm still trying to get up the nerve to move, but I'm sure I won't even think twice about it, when the time comes.

I LOVE YOU PAUL POOMPAN.