Hide Me or Unfriend Me

I think Facebook gives people the ability to be completely passive aggressive. You can simply disassociate yourself from people by clicking the "unfriend" button or hide them from your news feed. To be honest, there are at least a handful of folks on Facebook that I wish I had never met or made acquaintances with. I would say that I have more acquaintances on Facebook than I do real friends. I'm very selective and careful who I truly consider a close friend. I can be open and honest with you, but that doesn't mean that I'm your homie. My real friends will tell you, however, that I am loyal to a fault. We may have our differences and disagreements, here and there, but when it comes down to it, I'm there when they need me. No questions asked.

Lately, I feel that my friendships have been changing with some folks, particularly someone I've considered a close and great friend through the years. Sometimes we go through life changes that cause us not to vibe with people we love and care about, no matter how much we want to be there to support them and be there for them. I find myself in that particular situation. Although I want to be there to support her, I just don't feel that my presence and involvement is what she wants right now.  She has enough people around her to give her whatever validation she needs. I just can't fake the funk.

I believe that people need to find their own path in life and part of that process is going at it alone for a little bit. I know this from personal experience. I'm grateful for the love and support that I received from my friends after my break-up with Voltaire, but I didn't truly didn't come to terms with what happened until I spent time to be by myself. I had to learn to be on my own again.

After being in a relationship for eight years, I had lost a lot of my identity and individuality, and I became co-dependent. I'm not going to lie. Post break-up, I always tried to make sure I was around people because I didn't want to think about what happened and deal with the impending possibility of being by myself. Eventually my friends had to get back to their real lives. Let's be real. Dealing with me post-break up was ugly. I was dealing with some major insecurity issues (you would be baffled too if your ex cheated on you with someone who is aesthetically challenged and breastfed on a lispy helium balloon) and I was co-dependent on my friends because I didn't know how to be by myself. I was scared to be by myself.

There's a difference between being alone and being by yourself. Being alone means that you cut yourself off any and every kind of relationship, more the destitute and desolate path.  Being by yourself means that you've learned to be confident and secure with yourself. You're happy being independent and just being you. It means that your self-confidence and self-worth isn't based on what other people think of you. It also means coming to terms and being comfortable with the idea that you may possibly be by yourself for the rest of your life. I think that then, and only then, can a person be really open to love, because you have nothing to lose at that point. You have to allow yourself to grieve then pick yourself back up and start to move on.

Like everything else in life, friendships also undergo changes. For most of us it's about maturity and dealing with changing priorities. Whether or not friendships can endure those changes, that's entirely up to the people in the relationships.

Bottom line, this is what my real friends and Paul can expect from me. I will always tell you the truth. You can always count on me to tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear. If you're looking for people to feed your insecurities and give you constant validation, I'm not one of those people. I'm not pretentious and I'm just incapable of being superficial. I will try to understand where you're coming from, and although I may have a different perspective, I won't be mad. Know that I'm being honest and keeping it real because I value my friendships and relationships, and only have my friends' best interests at heart. Through the good times and bad, my real friends know that I have their back.

Sometimes the best way to be there for someone is to take a step back and leave them be.  Give them the space to grow or not grow on their own. I believe that sometimes we aren't what our friends want, even if it's truth and honesty that they need the most.

(Southern) California Dreamin'

I just got back from a week long vacation in SoCal. I have to say, each visit makes it more difficult for me to leave. I can't help but feel a little conflicted and scared about the possibility of relocating, but I'm also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I'm a creature of habit, and I like the familiarity of my surroundings. I'm stubborn. However, I also believe that the only thing that is constant in life is change. I am in love, but not a fool. I am cautious, but curious about starting a new adventure.

Much love and thanks to everyone in SoCal for a great trip. It was great seeing all of you and catching up.

my boo

Pika and Charlie with Daddy

I Think I'll Call It Morning by Gil Scott-Heron

I've rediscovered Gil Scott-Heron. I've forgotten how much I love the lyrics to this song.

I'm gonna take myself a piece of sunshine


And paint it all over my sky

Be no rain..

Be no rain..

I'm gonna take the song from every bird

And make em sing it just for me

Bird's got something to teach us all

About being free, yeah

Be no rain..

Be no rain..


And I think I'll call it morning

From now on

Why should I survive on sadness?

And tell myself I got to be alone

Why should I subscribe to this world's madness?

Knowing that I've got to live on

Yeah I think I'll call it morning

From now on


I'm gonna take myself a piece of sunshine

And paint it all over my sky

Be no rain...

Be no rain...


I'm gonna take the song from every bird

And make them sing it just for me

Cause why should I hang my head

Why should I let tears fall from my eyes?

When I've seen everything there is to see

And I know there is no sense in crying

I know there ain't no sense in crying

Yeah I think I'll call it morning

From now on

I'll call it morning from now on, yeah

Cause there ain't gonna be no rain

Be no rain

Be no rain

From now on...

Road Trip to Oregon

Paul and I just got back from a road trip to Oregon. A big thanks to the Suttis for hosting us! We had a blast. It was a long drive, but I had fun with Paul. We didn't bring the doggies this time around, but I'm glad we were able to spend more quality time with each other. It was a much needed break for both of us.

I have to admit, Paul has brought back my love for traveling, and I hope to do more of it with him whether it be stateside or international. I had a blast walking around Portland and discovering a new place with him. We started out with a yummy breakfast at Sugar Mama's Cafe. The breakfast burritos were bomb and the two older women running the place were just sweet as can be. We loved the mom and pop feel of this place.

Downtown Portland was awesome, and we'll definitely have to try more of the food stalls next time we visit. I could have stayed at Powell's City of Books all day, but we had to stick to our schedule. We also went to Niketown in Portland, but I have to say that the one in San Francisco is much bigger and has more swag.

We also went for a walk through The Grotto, and checked out the awesome view of The Gorge, as well as Latourell Falls and Multnomah Falls. 

Thanks again to the Suttis for a great time! We hope to see you guys soon!

Breakfast at Sugar Mama's.

Food Carts in Downtown Portland

At The Grotto

The Pieta inside the Meditation Room at The Grotto

He's not used to smiling for pictures. It ruins his street cred. Hah.

Latourell Falls

Multnomah Falls

With Evan at the Portland Zoo

I made a new friend at the Portland Zoo

The Gorge

Oldies But Goodies

This weekend was exhausting. I'm looking forward to just staying at home with Paul next weekend doing nothing but hanging out on the couch. Sleep is super.

Although we spent most of the weekend in the car driving, it was worth it just to see old friends.  I got to celebrate with Father Brian Soliven on his ordination! Woot! Woot! Congrats my friend.

I also got to hang out and catch up with Larrah. I swear this womyn needs to come out of her teaching and writing cave more often. I miss ya.

My little sista' from another mother, Seda Beta also rolled into town. I haven't seen her in about two years, since she moved to Cambodia. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her after she takes the bar. We grabbed some dinner at Tower and shared some talk-stories for nearly three hours. I'm so proud of her.

The Nike Womens Fitness Festival was great. I ran a decent time, but I feel like I could've done better if my ankle wasn't bugging me.  My official pace time was 8:40/mi, but my Nike+ said I ran an 8:27/mi. I hate discrepancies. It was nice having Paul there to cheer me on, even when it was drizzling out. Paul and I also got to hit the pads with my folks at Prime Time Boxing. Good times.

Busy Weekend

This weekend is going to be crazy busy for me. Friday evening, I will be playing indoor, then heading out to the bay with Paul after my game. Nice that my game is at 9:35. Geez. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting too old for this ish. Haha.

Saturday, I need to sneak in a short run, Paul will be heading out to Muay Thai, then it's off to Ristobar in the city for Nicholas' graduation lunch. Congratulations kid! I can't believe your starting high school. Where has the time gone? Then we're heading back to Sac for Deacon Brian Soliven's ordination dinner. Congrats B! I can't wait to see you.

Sunday morning I'll be running in the Nike Women's Fitness Festival. It's only a 5K, so it'll be easy-peasy.  Then I have my outdoor game at 1:30. I also get to see Seda Beta this weekend! Yay! I can't wait to see you girl! Afterwards, we're heading over to the Rib Cook Off in the Sharma's neighborhood. Paul will love it, but I think that I'll probably grab some food for myself beforehand. Haha.

Have a safe and great weekend everyone.

Red Umbrellas and Perspective

Paul and I took a walk around the Music Concourse near the de Young Museum and the California Academy of Sciences, with Pika on Sunday. To compliment the beautiful sunny day, the Red Umbrellas, a non-profit group consisting of independent artists were exhibiting some of their work.

I was particularly drawn to Marion Maenner's work because of her use of circular patterns and mixed media collage elements. Her art also reminds me of magical realism, perhaps because of my obsession with G.G. Marquez, one of my favorite authors.  If I could afford one of Marion Maenner's pieces, I would certainly invest in one of her Divine Women, particularly The Soul within the Tree. I can identify strongly with this piece because it reminds me of the babaylan, the female shamans of pre-Hispanic Philippine society.  It also reminds me of the history of strong womyn within my own family. I am fortunate to have known the matriarchs of my own family, whether it was through talk-stories or my interactions with them. I am a strong womyn because of them.

I'm also drawn to circular patterns because of their sacred significance in various indigenous cultures and rituals.  It represents life and the interconnectedness of our experiences with others. It is also used for protective purposes within sacred rituals.

I'm thinking of checking out more of Maenner's work one of these weekends, perhaps when she and the other artists will be back at the Music Concourse. I will be back at the de Young soon to check out the Picasso exhibit. Maybe I can even get Paul to tap into his inner artist.

Marion Maenner had a piece entitled Perspective, and she had this quote by Alfred D. Souza to accompany it. I think it's truly befitting of everything that's happening in my life right now.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,

some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way.

So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.