Here I Go Again

It's been a while since I've had one of these nights. I'm sleepless. Again.

It's times like these where I miss my Mama Osang. She knew exactly what was wrong, without me having to utter a word. I was always fortunate that I had her all to myself during those times, even if it was only for a brief moment.

I would just walk into her room, sit at her feet while she was watching t.v. or praying the rosary, and put my head on her lap. She would just stroke my hair or brush my cheek with her hand. I still remember being comforted by the warmth of her hand and the scent of her soap. She would smile down at me and hum me a song.

I never had to tell her what was wrong because she always just knew. She would give me payo or advice, which was directly related to whatever was troubling me. One of the things that she would always say to me was, "If it's meant for you and will make you happy, it will work itself out. Have faith."

The other thing that she always said to me was, "Your Papa and I never went to bed angry at each other. We always settled our quarrels or misunderstandings before going to sleep because we never knew if the other was still going to be there when we woke up." She explained that this is how Papa knew how much she loved him up until the day he died; this is also how she knew he loved her when he died so suddenly. I have to say that this is a rule that I've always tried to be consistent with in any of my relationships with people, especially my significant other. Sometimes, however, it becomes difficult to follow when life throws a few curveballs your way and the situation is out of your hands.

Relationships are difficult. Tampuhan happens. The only remedy for that is amuin, by way of lambing. Change is a constant part of the equation and learning process. Communication is important. So are love and respect. Pride and stubborness can sometimes get in the way.

So here I am, sick with a cold, sick to my stomach, upset, uneasy, exhausted in so many different ways, and unable to rest. Maybe Mama will come to comfort me in my dreams tonight...if I ever get to sleep that is.