Time to Re-Focus

I stopped midway through my run to take this pic two years ago.

Every now and then, I need a reminder that my first priority is myself.  Things happen, and it's a good reminder for me to stay on my toes, not be complacent, and that it's necessary for me to have my guard up at all times.  After all, our life lessons are supposed to have a jarring impact on the very core of our being, so that we can remind ourselves not to make the same mistakes as in our past.  When we get too comfortable with people or a relationship, sometimes our soul becomes so at ease that it suffers from temporary amnesia.  All the warm and fuzzies have a tendency to block our emotional connection to our lessons learned, and the rose-colored glasses effect tends to happen.

I need to be careful about spreading myself too thin and giving too much of myself to others. I don't do things for others because I need validation for anything. I have healthy self-esteem, thank you very much! It's just who I am, part of my temperament. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have.

I also need to remember that I always have a choice, and that it's never acceptable for anyone to invalidate my feelings, make me feel rejected, or make me feel disempowered.  I am tough as nails and I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life, but when my feelings are hurt, it certainly shows. To refer to my reaction as overly sensitive, pouty, childish, or dramatic just tells me that you don't care enough to think about what you're going to say, the manner in which you're going to say it, and how it may affect the other person.  You're just approaching the situation from a self-centered perspective.

There is a way to communicate and be honest, without being insensitive, demeaning, insulting, or hurtful.  Those elements are unecessary, and do nothing but hurt or damage a relationship.  To take pride in an attitude that is offensive and doesn't distinguish between the people you love and acquaintances is both selfish and narrow-minded. I wasn't upset because I didn't get my way. I'm not a child. It was the lack of consideration and respect in dealing with the situation.  I don't think taunting and insulting someone who is already upset helps the situation any.  It's just mean and hurtful.

When situations like this occur, I have a tendency to just distance myself. It's how I deal with things. Rather than to have someone misinterpret my feelings, invalidate them, make me feel undignified or disrespected, I just shut-down any emotion. I go into auto-pilot mode and retreat into solitude.  My walls go back up. It's my way of protecting myself.

I am a strong Pinay/Filipina American/Asian American Womyn.  I need to re-focus on that mantra, get my head out of the clouds, and focus on my goals and what I want for myself and my future, before worrying about others.  Running will once again be my salvation and my sanity.  I need to find my balance again.  I need to keep sight of who I am, and the strength of my being.  I am not willing to compromise who I am.  It's just not worth it.